Out of Control Read online

  I crossed my arms. “You don’t even know who I’ve been in touch with. They’re big players. Fuck, people would kill to have this opportunity.” I forced out a breath. “I was hoping you’d be excited about spending time in L.A. with me, but as always, you do the exact opposite. You are being perverse just because you can,” I bit out.

  She crossed her arms right back at me. “That’s not it. You’re trying to manipulate me by shoving a job down my throat. I can look after myself.”

  I threw up my hands. “Then show me that by doing the sensible thing and listening to my proposition.”

  “No,” she said, her expression stark. “I won’t be controlled by you. What will it be next? What I’m allowed to wear? What I can eat?” She huffed out a sad little laugh. “Like ordering me steak.”

  Her honesty stung, but I shook it off. I knew she didn’t mean it. Not really.

  I rounded the desk to stop in front of her. “You liked the steak. Why are you so scared of committing to anything? You know you’re going to need a job eventually. You put on this big act like you don’t give a shit, but really you do. You’re scared. Why?”

  Red spots appeared on her cheeks. “You don’t know me. You think you do, but you don’t.”

  I stared at her, unable to tell her how wrong she was. I understood her better than she realized. In a short amount of time, she had swept into my life, knocked down my barriers, and taken over my heart, my body, and my mind. I knew her, knew she was never going to bend and give in, not even when it was in her best interest. And this would always be a bone of contention between us. I had lived a far different life than Lila and could see pitfalls in her future she hadn’t even thought of yet. If she fell, would she even allow me to help her up? I couldn’t stand by and see someone keep going down a path that would only end in hardship. I just wouldn’t do it.

  “You’re right.” I dropped my hand, stopping myself from reaching for her. “Maybe we don’t know each other at all.”

  I stepped back, allowing her to rush past me and leave. My chest ached, but I closed the door behind her, shutting her out of my life. I had learned the hard way that you couldn’t help people who didn’t want to help themselves.

  No matter how much it hurt to let them go.

  Chapter Fourteen

  LILA

  Why hadn’t I just been honest with Blake and told him my news?

  I swallowed down the bitterness building in my throat as I sat in my apartment after my big stormy exit scene.

  Last night after Blake left, I’d sat in the exact same spot, sorting through my feelings for him, figuring out my earlier reactions and why what he thought mattered so much. What I’d kept coming back to was that I wanted to stay in Wellsford. With Blake.

  But now this. Didn’t he understand I couldn’t allow him to run my life, or try and prop me up? I didn’t need him to do that. I didn’t want it.

  It had sat on the tip of my tongue to tell him I’d actually been working all night, that thanks to him I had an idea for a new app that would outsell my first one. That I’d gone into his offices excited to share the news. I knew he’d be happy for me, proud of my achievement. Instead, I’d let my pride and fear get in the way.

  What the hell. It was probably for the best.

  But it hurt anyway. I blinked back tears, refusing to let them fall. My phone rang, and I knew without looking that it was Blake. I let the call go. He would be checking up on me, making sure I was okay, because that was what he did. But I wouldn’t be able to hide the truth from him.

  That my heart was breaking.

  I wished Mia were here with me. The apartment was hard to bear on my own. Going out wasn’t much better. The streets were teeming with people who seemed to have purpose—somewhere to go. Or someone to meet.

  Blake called a few more times throughout the day, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone. I threw myself into working on my app, getting lost in the technical aspects, the clinical data talk that allowed me to leave my feelings behind. I had been excited about the idea, a twist on my previous boredom-buster game of choices. But this one took it to the bedroom, a selection of sexy activities that matched places with positions, fetish toys with sensual foods and erotic suggestions. Bedroom roulette on steroids.

  I worked through most of the next night and morning, only stopping when my eyes were too gritty to see out of. Apparently, I wasn’t tired enough. Thoughts of Blake came crashing back like an incoming tide breaking through a seawall. I had never felt so alone, not even when things with Austin were at their worst. Mia was still unavailable. A quick check of time zones showed why. It was three in the morning in New Zealand.

  I finally ended up calling my mom, desperate to talk to anyone who wasn’t Blake. Not until I could get my thoughts straight. Because I’d been lying when I’d accused him of not knowing me. He knew me too well. When he’d called me out on being scared, it had been like a slap in the face…but he’d spoken the truth. I’d made myself believe I was strong because I’d sold my app, moved to Wellsford, and started a new life. But all that time I’d really been running.

  “Hi, Mom, it’s me.”

  “Have you had enough of that place yet? You know your bedroom is still here. You can come home anytime.”

  It was tempting to give in. My room back home was small but filled with familiar childhood things. It was so tempting to think about going back, crawling under the covers, and never coming out.

  “No, Mom. I like Wellsford. It’s nice.”

  “What about that girl you moved in with? You barely know her.”

  “Mia is great. You’d like her.”

  “Well, I haven’t had the chance to meet her yet, have I?” Mom grumbled.

  “You can come and visit me anytime you like,” I said, though I knew she wouldn’t. She liked to have her own things around her, her own routine. She hadn’t ventured out of Arizona in all the time I’d known her. Dad, either.

  “I don’t know why you had to move all the way across the country. You have plenty of nice friends here you could hang out with. Austin was here just last night. He still talks about you all the time.”

  I just bet he did. And Mom would be right there along with him, encouraging him.

  I sucked in a breath. “I’m not going to get back with Austin, Mom. And I don’t like talking about him. You know that.”

  Mom tut-tutted. “That’s because you still have feelings for him, sweetie. You went running off too fast. You really should home come and talk to him. He was always so good to you, and you never gave him a chance to convince you to stay.”

  “Mom, stop.” I put the brakes on her one-sided monologue before she could wind up to freight-train level. “You need to listen to me. Please.” My voice cracked. I heard nothing but silence and the faint buzz of electricity at the other end of the line. “Austin was not good to me, not how you think. He didn’t make me feel good. He made me feel…less.” I choked back a breath, not knowing how else to explain it.

  “But you were with him for such a long time. I don’t understand. If he made you unhappy, why didn’t you just leave?”

  I looked down at the floor. I knew the answer to that one. “He manipulated my feelings until I didn’t think I had anyone else but him. I let him control me. He even tried to push you and Dad out of my life for a while. Do you remember when I didn’t come home for ten months in my second year?”

  Silence greeted my question, and I knew she was chewing on the answer. “I wish you’d told me. If I had known…”

  “I did try to tell you, Mom, but Austin is good at twisting things around to what a person wants to hear.” A rush of relief hit me, lifting me up, making me feel lighter than I had in months. “He had you fooled, too.”

  “Not anymore,” my mother said crisply. Her voice dropped, filled with regret. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I’d known.”

  I laughed dryly. “I don’t blame you. Austin is an expert at manipulation.”

  “W
ell, don’t you worry. I’ll talk to your father. Austin won’t be welcome here any longer.” She paused. “Will you come home now? Please?”

  I took a breath, trying to smother the lump in my chest. I should have had this conversation a long time ago. I should have trusted my parents more to see my side. To be on my side. But running away had been easier.

  “No, I don’t think so. Not yet. I have some things here I need to see through to the end. But I will come and see you. Soon,” I promised.

  “You do that. I’m so sorry, Lila. You know we love you so much.”

  “I know, Mom. Love you, too.”

  I dropped my head onto the kitchen counter, my eyes dry, even though I wanted to cry. Talking about Austin had made me realize all over again that he and Blake weren’t at all the same. They had never been. Austin had tried to hold me back and claim everything for himself, but Blake only wanted what was best for me, was only trying to push me forward to be the best version of myself. Even if it was by his own definition.

  Could I really blame him for thinking I was a coward? I’d spent all my time baiting him, hiding behind playing the fool, not showing my true colors. I’d thought that was what Blake liked about me—my unpredictability. But there were other parts of me, more serious aspects to my life, that I wanted him to know, too. Such as the fact that I threw myself 100 percent into whatever I did, including work. That I did sometimes plan things, especially if they were important to me. That while I couldn’t always stop the consequences of my actions, I always understood why they happened. And I didn’t often make the same mistake twice.

  I looked up at my whiteboard, the words blurring into a mess of squiggles. In two days, I had put together the bones of my new app. But now I looked at it and saw only failure. True, I had proven something to myself. But it wasn’t me I wanted to impress. I wanted Blake to know what I was really capable of.

  I wanted him to know that I was sorry. And that I loved him.

  It all came back to action and consequence.

  Problem was, for once in my life, I didn’t know what to do next.

  Chapter Fifteen

  BLAKE

  L.A. was the last place I wanted to be.

  Actually, wrong. Being inside my own head was even worse, replaying the loop of my last conversation with Lila. Around and around.

  She had to see how ridiculous she was being, cutting off her nose to spite her face. I’d seen her whiteboard. She definitely wanted a job, and here I was, offering her the perfect opportunity to meet people who could take her places. She could make good money and be able to stay in Wellsford, too.

  I was offering her a future with me.

  What the fuck had happened? The hole in my chest she’d left when she walked out went all the way to my spine.

  I’d called her, determined to have the conversation whether she wanted to or not. But perverse as always, she had elected not to answer. So I’d had to get out of town, otherwise I would have stormed to her apartment and made a fool of myself. Said things I shouldn’t.

  I’d flown straight to the L.A. office, pouring my efforts into finding the solution to a problem I could fix: Mason.

  I’d had a headhunter approach a few likely candidates in L.A. Now I was quietly gritting my teeth, trying to smile for the woman looking at me expectantly from across the boardroom table. She was the third applicant I’d interviewed for the job to babysit Mason.

  So far, none of them had impressed me.

  It didn’t help that I was comparing them all to Lila.

  “Thanks for taking the time to meet with us.” Sasha stood up from the seat beside me and stuck out her hand.

  “We’ll be in touch, uh, Jerren.” I had to glance down at the CV in front of me to remember her name. I stood up, too, as Sasha ushered her out the door.

  Sasha turned on me as soon as poor Jerren exited the room. “So you want to tell me what’s up?”

  My jaw tightened. Declan had asked the same thing when I’d turned up on his doorstep last night. I’d told him to mind his own fucking business. I was not ready to talk about Lila. My failure. I’d brought up Piper to get him off my back, and it had escalated into an argument, both of us on tenterhooks, looking for someone to grind out our frustrations on.

  Luckily we’d been friends long enough that by the end of the night we were drowning our sorrows, neither mentioning what they were, but in companionable silence.

  I brushed aside Sasha’s concern. “Just trying to get things wrapped up and fix this mess.”

  She cast me a sideways look. “You didn’t have to fly out here for that. I can handle the interviews myself. Besides, Mason has been behaving himself of late.” She gave a little smirk at my incredulous look.

  “You could have told me that before I flew out here.” I huffed, throwing myself into my chair.

  She glared back at me. “I didn’t ask you to come. You just turned up. I thought you trusted me to run this office.”

  “Of course I trust you.” I waved off her concern. “We’ve been friends since college. I handpicked you to work with me.”

  She put her hands on her hips. “Then why this?”

  Why, indeed?

  Sasha and I were more friends than colleagues, and she was right, normally I wouldn’t have bothered jetting out here. I rubbed at my chin and let out a sigh. Lila. With the rest of my life spinning out of control, my first instinct had been to wrap my fists around everything else and hold tight. The woman had derailed me, gotten under my skin, and rocked my world. I didn’t know how to cope with someone like her.

  I glanced up at Sasha as a sinking feeling hit the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t about work, or Sasha, or even Lila. This was about me.

  I closed my eyes, feeling physically ill. “Cancel the rest of the interviews. You’re right, I shouldn’t even be here.”

  “Damn straight. Not that it isn’t nice to see you,” she put in quickly. Her smile faded. “Are you all right? This isn’t like you, Blake. Well, the control bit kinda is, just not…this.” She swept her hand up and down, by which I deduced she probably meant my sickly expression.

  “I’m fine,” I said, feeling far from it. “Just give me a minute, okay?”

  I dropped forward, resting my head in my hands. What the fuck was I doing? I was on the other side of the country from the only person I really wanted to see. I owed Lila an apology. I wanted to get down on my knees in front of her. All this time, I’d been trying to ease her into doing what I wanted, creating a perfect mold for her to fit into my life…on the pretext it was what she needed. She didn’t need a damned thing except to be Lila. She was perfect as she was, with all her whims and fancies. I loved that about her—the way she saw life as one giant opportunity, leaving no door unopened. No panties un-turned.

  Yet I’d tried to rein her in and pin her down. The more my feelings for her had increased, the tighter I’d wanted to hold onto her, afraid she would slip from my grasp. I hadn’t trusted her. Not fully. Not in the way she deserved to be trusted—free to be herself as she wanted. She wasn’t out of control, she was out of my control. I’d been terrified of losing her, that she might change her mind and flit back to Arizona, move to Chicago, or fucking New Zealand. So I had tried to tie her to me, and in doing so, I’d driven her away.

  Truth was, I loved Lila. Loved every quirky, frustrating, chaotic thing about her.

  And now I was stuck in L.A., probably losing the only chance I’d ever have to tell her. She would be gone by now, moved far away, I was sure of it.

  Sasha poked her head in the doorway. “Bad news. It was too late to cancel the last candidate. She’s already here.”

  “Shit. Not now.” I wrestled my phone out of my pocket. I needed to book a flight. Urgently. “Can’t you take care of it?”

  But she was already backing out of the room. “Sorry. You’re on your own.”

  She didn’t look sorry. Payback for me being an ass, I guessed. I blew out a breath. Glanced at my watch. “Fine. I hav
e two minutes, then I’m leaving.”

  The final candidate walked through the door. “I hear you have an opening here.”

  My phone fell onto the desk with a clatter. “Lila?” I started to get out of my seat, but my knees went weak as my brain struggled to put her in L.A. I sank back down. “You’re here? How…?”

  “Mia told me where you were. So I flew in. I wanted to talk to you. Maybe meet some of those people you were talking about.”

  “Bad idea.” I threw up my hands. “You don’t need me to help you.”

  Lila’s face fell. “You’ve given up on me already?”

  I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh. “No. Not given up. You have no fucking idea how much I have not given up on you.” I finally made it to my feet and grabbed her up, pulling her close. I drew in her scent, filling my senses with her.

  She eased back to look at me, a smile flitting across her face. “You look like you’re about to devour m—”

  The end of her sentence was lost when I slammed my lips onto hers. I swept inside her mouth, demanding what she offered. A piece of her. I touched wherever I could reach—her shoulders, her arms, her neck. Slipping my hands to her hips. I gathered her close, twining my tongue about hers in long, drugging kisses.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my chest aching. It wasn’t until now—this moment—that I realized how close I’d come to losing her. If she hadn’t come here…if I hadn’t been able to get her back… I rested my forehead against hers. Closed my eyes. “Fuck. Lila. You have no idea.”

  She stretched up. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry,” she murmured against my mouth.

  I pulled back, shaking my head. “There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I was trying to talk you into something you didn’t want to do. Tie you down to my own agenda. What you said that day in my office, you were right. It was all about me and what I wanted, trying to mold you to fit into my life.” I pulled her close, making sure she understood every word. “I get it now. You don’t need me.” I swallowed, my throat raw. “It’s me who needs you.”